musings for today

we went swimming today. my son infuritated me. he just doesn't want to play with me right now...its daddy he wants. but its me he comes to when he is hurt and i tuck him in at night. i suppose it normal but i would really love to play with him in the pool. it was very hot today so we had to leave early, it was just to hot for my baby girl. she did get to dip her toes in the water, such iddy biddy toes.

a friend lost her baby 6 weeks ago. she of course is in mourning. she has the amazing relationship with god, she trusts that this was his path for her. and she's just ok with it? i don't understand how to believe to such a depth, to follow so closely, to love something you can't see so much. i sometimes might say she's brave, nuts, crazy, wonderful, ...so many things, its just a deep faith that i don't have. i wish a could have just a bit though. i look at my babies and my heart hurts with love for them, i get lost in their eyes. and i do thank god everyday that i am their mommy. but i don't have that unwavering faith as she does. maybe god is trying to show me something, how great love can be for something, that i can love and should love god the most for giving me such a wonderful life. i don't really know. i did buy a bible and i did skim a few places of it...its still written in that old english, so its difficult to follow. i am looking for it to speak to me, to tell me stories and make me thoughtful. i haven't found that yet. this faith i am looking for is so hard for me to speak of. i feel like it's one of the most personal things for me, i rarely even talk to my husband about it. he isn't a believer at all, and that's ok, he loves me for and and i for him. maybe someday he will. but for now i have to work on my own faith.


but all my thoughts aren't this pure. i have rotten ones too. like running away. i would go to vegas and get lost in the shuffle of people. like for an hour today i just wanted to scream...LEAVE ME ALONE! i just then daydream of driving in the desert and seeing one of those magnificent sunset. just being in the wide open. oh my heart and eyes ache for something beautiful and wide open. to look across green pastures, to see a mountain rise, or a river rush. things here are not that beautiful, sure there are lots of trees but nothing magnifecent about the place. somedays i just yearn to be away from this and gaze at an open sky, and maybe see god in the clouds. ahh but vegas has so much to see and feast my eyes upon. its alive all the time so much lights and movement. but that too can be exhausting but yet invigorating. it would probably make me just want the simplicity of home again.

someday i hope for my own wide open space with the turning of seasons.