Just a small addendum

It makes me crazy that my paragraph separations didn't take. So sorry...it's not a run on paragraph...it just looks that way!
Now, I'm going to try a new font. How does this look? Different.
Ok...I'm done now.
Wait...how about a different color? That's it! I'll do my posts in purple, so you can distinguish who's who!

Woo-hoo!

Tawni here.

First off...Betty. So sorry you were feeling low. Did you call and I didn't answer? Next time, keep calling!!

A little intro...I'm Tawni...mama to one precious miracle child. Not a miracle in conception like so many babies are, but a miracle of survival. My dear one was born with a birth defect (to remain unnamed cuz I don't know how much traffic we want here) that required her to be intubated at birth. She was then on a heart/lung bypass machine for 16 days and had 2 surgeries during that time to correct her defect. The night before her second surgery, we almost lost her. I had no idea at the time, but when I look back at pictures now, I see how awful she looked. I'm so thankful that her life was saved. We feel very fortunate and even though she's almost 11 months old, we are in awe of her and enjoy every precious moment with her. Oh...we...I am married to an amazing man who has finally figured out what he wants to be when he grows up...and is becoming it!

Betty is my BFF. We were introduced by my senior prom date during the first weeks of our freshman year of college. We lived together for almost a year, and though miles separate us now, our hearts are ALWAYS close. She's great.

Well, that's all from here. Life is pretty good these days in my house, except for the money...never enough! But alas, we're working on it!

Peace out.

just a minute

I only have a minute...the last two weeks have been interesting for me. I have wanted to write but my thoughts had become painful for me. Just briefly and I'll write more later. I had nothing short of a nervous breakdown a few fridays ago. I just couldn't take being here, being a mother, being a wife, being alive. no suicide attempts but lots of thoughts of just going away one way or another. I was just exhausted of everything. Now I am fine. I did get my period, so that may explain some of the rocky mood swing. Yes I talked to my doctor and she wants to put me on Wellbutrin...not so sure about that. That is what I am pondering these past few days. i feel SO much better in all ways...do I really need it? I am starting to think not. All for now, just had a minute. ~b

musings for today

we went swimming today. my son infuritated me. he just doesn't want to play with me right now...its daddy he wants. but its me he comes to when he is hurt and i tuck him in at night. i suppose it normal but i would really love to play with him in the pool. it was very hot today so we had to leave early, it was just to hot for my baby girl. she did get to dip her toes in the water, such iddy biddy toes.

a friend lost her baby 6 weeks ago. she of course is in mourning. she has the amazing relationship with god, she trusts that this was his path for her. and she's just ok with it? i don't understand how to believe to such a depth, to follow so closely, to love something you can't see so much. i sometimes might say she's brave, nuts, crazy, wonderful, ...so many things, its just a deep faith that i don't have. i wish a could have just a bit though. i look at my babies and my heart hurts with love for them, i get lost in their eyes. and i do thank god everyday that i am their mommy. but i don't have that unwavering faith as she does. maybe god is trying to show me something, how great love can be for something, that i can love and should love god the most for giving me such a wonderful life. i don't really know. i did buy a bible and i did skim a few places of it...its still written in that old english, so its difficult to follow. i am looking for it to speak to me, to tell me stories and make me thoughtful. i haven't found that yet. this faith i am looking for is so hard for me to speak of. i feel like it's one of the most personal things for me, i rarely even talk to my husband about it. he isn't a believer at all, and that's ok, he loves me for and and i for him. maybe someday he will. but for now i have to work on my own faith.


but all my thoughts aren't this pure. i have rotten ones too. like running away. i would go to vegas and get lost in the shuffle of people. like for an hour today i just wanted to scream...LEAVE ME ALONE! i just then daydream of driving in the desert and seeing one of those magnificent sunset. just being in the wide open. oh my heart and eyes ache for something beautiful and wide open. to look across green pastures, to see a mountain rise, or a river rush. things here are not that beautiful, sure there are lots of trees but nothing magnifecent about the place. somedays i just yearn to be away from this and gaze at an open sky, and maybe see god in the clouds. ahh but vegas has so much to see and feast my eyes upon. its alive all the time so much lights and movement. but that too can be exhausting but yet invigorating. it would probably make me just want the simplicity of home again.

someday i hope for my own wide open space with the turning of seasons.

first time

this is our first blog. after reading a good friend's blog about the loss of their baby girl, i began to realize how therapeutic writing could be. i only feel the urge to write occasionally so there won't be a ton of stuff on here all the time. like now i don't really feel like writing but wanted to start this out with something. my sweetie might write too. i like to write about anything so if you read something that i post and feel the need to respond please do so but please keep it appropriate. i would love to hear from other mommies too.

i am married to a perfect soul mate. we have a boy and a girl. i never in my wildest dreams could have realized how much and how deeply i could love these three people in my life. my son is a golden haired doll with a heart of gold. he told me tonight that mommy was pretty. its so nice to get that so sweetly from him as he touches his little nose to mine. and my girl is a sweet little fairy. her dimple and smile fill my heart every time. my husband is grinning at me now. we are both tired from the week. him from work and me from being an at home mommy. he has a heart of gold, he loves and cares for this family so much.

as for this blog, i'll write when i feel like it and it will most like be on the subjects of anything. trust me it won't always be as happy and perfect as this first one. i have a real life not just a warm fuzzy life. but i will write interesting things. promise. stay tuned.